It's Gone today....but "hair" tomorrow!

So one of the things about high dose chemotherapy that is considered a "normal" side effect is hair loss.

Everybody deals with this issue differently. While in some ways it can be devastating, embarrassing,and humbling, the reality is that it is also a small price to pay for your health considering that it will grow back over time (we hope!). I have had no problem with this conceptually.  However I cannot subscribe to the adage that "bald is beautiful", or that "hair is overrated"...especially when it comes to eyebrows and eyelashes! 

Hair, even a small amount on a woman, especially one with a tiny, bone-white head like mine, is essential! Truth be told...I look absolutely ridiculous and goofy. Del keeps saying..."but you have a perfectly shaped head"!

Come on...you can't help but laugh!

Some folks choose to be bald...and they look great...especially guys. As four of my neighbors would say..."join the club!" But I didn't get a choice in this matter (maybe that's whats really bugging me-that control thing again! LOL) It came along with the wonderful treatment I received. Some patients shave their heads right away. Some just let it fall out when it will. As you have seen through my blog, I opted for the 3 stage approach, hiding my "sickness" as long as I could, the final stage (by necessity) being the a #1 blade all around.  I was ready though...I had lots of scarves and hats and Kate even knitted a few "cancer caps" for me (as if she had nothing else to do!) to keep my head warm on cool nights.

Ya know, its funny...when I first started the "balding process", (Day+12, while I was in the hospital), I was very careful to hide my newly-shorn look from all. I had a hat or scarf on all the time. While I was not surprised by the effect...I wasn't yet used to my new baldness. I especially did not want my kids to see it when I came home. I was afraid that it would scare them. Let's face it...most of the time when you see a bald woman or one with a scarf on her head, the reality is that she has likely been through "something", and is/was sick. I really resisted the looking sick thing for as long as I could (LOL). In fact, one of the things about Amyloidosis is that you can hide behind "normalcy" for a long time...even while you are going through treatment. Despite putting up with the pain on my head from resistant hair follicles (not kidding), I was so sure that I was going to be a trendsetter and keep all my hair anyway!

Then I remembered what I had told the kids from the very beginning...when Mom looks the sickest...is when I am actually 3/4 of the way through this process and already on my way to getting better. So what am I afraid of then?? 

I don't look or act like the old version of myself right now and that is what is scariest to me...and in some ways it must be frightening for my family as well. (Anybody seen my Mom??) Before the hair loss I didn't act the same, but I felt I could hide how sick I really was if I still managed to make myself presentable. (I could put on a good front, or so I thought!) Now, besides being hairless, looking pale and full of fluid, the "Energizer Bunny" in me is also on hiatus. Some days I do feel pretty good...I can go for walks (with my scarf and mask!), water my flowers, converse with my family, and even sit at the dinner table. Other days, I sit in my favorite yellow chair in the foyer, numb (and bald) to all that is going on around me, unable to read, write, eat or speak. I respond to Del in monosyllables when asked "what's going on?"...or  "how ya feelin?" or "have you taken your meds today?" Doing anything seems like a chore. But the bottom line is that I'm not "Auntie Fu Fu" any more...a term of endearment started by nieces and nephews back in my more glamourous hair-do days!

As my nephew Ryan reminded me (ever so sweetly, as only he can) the other day..."that's OK...now you're just Auntie Chrome Dome"! (out of the mouths of babes, no?!) He's right though ...I'm not the person I was 3 months ago. (Thank GOD!) That's OK. Because I know where I have been...what I have been through...and what I will be when this is all over (65 days!). I will be better. I know where I am headed...in the right direction. I will (hopefully) have put Amyloidosis in its rightful place...remission, and be healthier and in better shape than ever before. So what if I have to be "Auntie Chrome Dome" for a while...that only makes this part of the process...different from the rest. It makes it REAL...to everyone now and not just me.